I <3 SaturDay morNinGs :-D

Saturday mornings are for staying in bed!!!

NO WORK!!

Maybe not Tracey's bed cause it looks like she's a bit of a filth monkey!!

Anyhow, perfect Saturday morning!!

1. Wake up not too hungover

2. A nice naked lady next to you

3. Make a good cup of tea

4. Select a film to watch

5. Another cup of tea with random food - Jammie Dodgers picked up from late store last night

(they were on offer, they tasted amazing!!!)

6. Watch film - Today 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE!! Steve Coogan is great as Tony Wilson!!

Poignant, funny and well worth 90 mins of your time!!

7. Excellent film - 9/10 ...breakfast in bed (Cheese on Toast!! Mmmmm)

8. Inbetweeners episode just to finish the morning off - Trip to London episode ! Died and gone to clunge heaven, Simon buys tramps shoes that stink of piss lol!!

9. It's now time to get up..boo!!!

10. Radio 6, Guardian and another brew

11. Plan Saturday - Late afternoon Premiere at Broadway then Maps gig tonight!!

12. It's a beautiful day so go for a run by the river

Wow!! Life doesn't get much better!!!

I <3 Saturday Mornings

Top Zombie Films!!

3. 28 Days Later

The debate over whether these are zombies or not can rage on, but it’s worth noting just because you change a couple of rules doesn’t mean you’ve created a new genre, the zombie rules have been changing since White Zombie in the 1930s. They didn’t even used to eat people. What 28 Days Later does show is how much one simple change (they can run) can revitalise everything. Add to that the brilliant drama, atmosphere and the haunting scenes of an empty London and you have a movie that stays in the mind long after it’s over.


2. Shaun of The Dead

It’s extremely rare that a movie can successfully bridge horror and comedy but Shaun Of The Dead smacks that challenge round the face with a cricket bat. It’s the hum-drum everyday reality of Shaun and Ed’s lives - playing Timesplitters 2, popping to the shops for a Cornetto - that makes the introduction of blood-drenched zombies feel all the more real and unsettling.



1. Dawn of The Dead

With its sly take on brainless consumerism, unique atmosphere, assured director, and imaginatively gruesome FX from Tom Savini, this isn’t just the best of Romero’s ‘Dead’ series, but the best zombie movie period. At its core it taps into two desires none of us quite realised we had - to live in a mall where everything is free, and to take down a slow moving enemy with creative weapon combinations. Overall, Dawn Of The Dead is proof that a gore-fest can be thought-provoking and work on multiple levels.

How to Kill a Zombie!!

This Weekend (or any other time you bump into a zombie) all you need to know about how to kill a zombie!!

 Zombies are highly susceptible to fire, burning these creatures is the most effective way of destroying them. Extreme amounts of electrical current will burn a zombie's flesh, thus consuming it in flames. Zombies can also be dispatched by causing extreme trauma to their brain. This can be accomplished by driving a bullet, a drill, a long knife, a hammer, or some other blunt object into the creature's skull.

Can Zombies Get Wood?

 

I am currently fascinated by zombies??Just bought this film!!

However, I have one puzzling question? Can Zombies get wood?

Zombie powers are;

Zombies never sleep, and they are incapable of fatigue.

Zombies are impervious to pain and require no air to breathe.

They are thus immune to drugs, poisons, gases, extremes of temperature and pressure,high   voltage electricity, suffocation, and drowning.

While not invulnerable to physical injury, zombies can suffer great damage to their bodies (including dismemberment) without being adversely affected. Dismembering the legs will render the zombie immobile, but the creature will still continue to subsist. Likewise, decapitation will incapacitate the body, but the head will still "live".

Zombies don’t possess any superhuman strength, nor do they have a night vision, a characteristic usually common to undead monsters. 

There is nothing about getting wood! Maybe, they have permanent wood? After all, if rigamortis has set in they would be permanently hard? Also, female zombies are unlikely to 'get damp' so that would mean that the male zombie would either have to 'lube up' the famale zombie or 'dry hump' her!! Chances are that his 'wood' would simply snap off during the act of Zombie love!! Ouch!!

It's a tough life being undead!! ZOMBIE NATION

 

Liar Liar - I need to Become More Honest with myself!!

Why I am Irresistible to Women!!

DivorCE - it's just natural selection (fact)

Is DivorCE uNdERRated?

According to research men and women have different approaches to sex and marriage? This is because it takes a woman nine months to make a baby, while it takes a man about two minutes.This simple biological fact, allied to the inexorable force of natural selection, lies behind the folk wisdom that all males (not just human males) are always available for sex. Men typically do not need much persuading to invest a short amount of time in having sex, with the chance of spreading their genes as a result, because they are the sons of men who did not need much persuading. For all females(not just human females) sex tends to lead to pregnancy, and pregnancy is a serious commitment of time and resources. It is best only to risk pregnancy when the time and the partner are right, so women have higher standards and take more presuading. Women are cautious because they are the daughters of women who were cautious.

How dare my X call me a cheating, lying bastard when it's just natural selection!!!
Why didn't my solicitor find this research at £150 an hour..twat!!!!
I feel soo much better about how I acted now!! It wasn't my fault at all!!
I simply just met a less cautious women who wanted me to make her pregnant..devious bitch!! ;-Dx
Who needs furniture anyway? Happy Days!!

Landlord Fights!! A new sport!!

V

Ok, I presume you have all heard of 'Bum Fights' in America where they pay two tramps to fight each other!!

Well, I am going to invent a new sport ' Landlord Fights'

Lets face it, as payers of half of the mortgage we deserve more!!

My current landlord I call 'Rigsby' and my new landlord I am going to call 'Harry'!!

Those of you who know the people will know why!!!

I got the idea on Sunday after, I kid you not... Rigsby went upto Harry and said,

"I hope your pockets are full with my lodgers money...c##t

Harry nearly died...Rigsby was only joking..

I think it is one of the funniest things I have seen for ages..

Landlord Fights was born...

The Factory

The Factory

Nobody knew what went on in there?

Nothing was made there even though it was called the Factory

Everyone knew that the factory was simply a cover for Nomis Llewocc

He ran the Factory

He did what he pleased

No one dared question his authority for fear of being arrested

If people were discovered being creative or subversive against the state they would simply disappear

 Something had happened recently

This had become known as the Great Escape

Nobody knew the real facts

Who had managed to escape?

How many had escaped?

How had they got out?

How long would it be before they got caught?

Nobody cared!

All everyone knew was that it had brought hope!

RanDom WordSearch - Analogy

I was just checking how to spell analogy in my hungover state before I texted a reply to someone!

I started to type into google and got as far as - a n a l

This is what came up...
analytics
analogy
analogue devices
analytical
analogous
analysis
analyse
analytical skills
analgesic
analogue

Analgesic... mmmm Further investigation required...
Analgesic Ladder??

There is a actually a league table for Pain!!

Oxford league table of analgesics in acute pain

Analgesic lotion that sounds wrong - Dromeo Pain Relief Analgesic Lotion ...I can get a free sample

"Yes! Send me a sample of Dromeo Pain Relief Analgesic Lotion. I understand this is a free offer. I pay nothing now, and owe nothing later."

Analgesic nephropathy (is that like necrophilia?) involves damage to one or both kidneys caused by overexposure to mixtures of medications, especially over-the-counter pain remedies.

Oh my god...found this!!!
Anesthesia Necrophilia

daddy built a droid and named it Wisdom
stuck it in a steel balloon
taught it how to spit out ones and zeros
said it’s gonna colonize the moon

i mean it, i mean it
i’m kidding

mother made an alter in the garden
out of bones and feathers
she’ll be sacrificing something
said it’s gonna change the weather

i mean it, i mean it
i’m kidding
have a little anesthesia
i mean it, i mean it
i’m kidding
dig a bit of necrophilia
anesthesia, necrophilia

This is just a bit of the freaky poem!!! fooking hell!!!!!


I am now analgesic on a scale of 2 on the ladder and midway in the league table. Maybe I should use my free sample of Dromeo Pain Relief Analgesic Lotion but I best be careful not to overexpose myself to a mixture of medications or I might get analgesic nephropathy or if I am unlucky Anesthesia Necrophilia!! All this from typing the word anal!!! What word can I use next?? The mind boggles!! Who needs an education when you have Google??

ShOrT FiLM ProJeCt

Film Club

I have been attending a scriptwriting course at the Broadway Cinema. I call it 'Film Club' because it makes it sound lots more mysterious and interesting than scriptwriting. The first rule of film club is.......

I am three weeks in now and it has been really eye opening and lots of fun! For the first time in ages I feel like I am learning something new. We have been doing the basic film synopsis stuff which I covered at Uni and analysing short films. The 2 shorts we have analysed so far are;

The Last Farm by Runar Runarsson

The Little Terrorist by Ashvin Kumar

 

The guy who is running the course is called Graham Lester George who has hand picked these two films for a variety of reasons. The Last Farm is bleak as fook and there is very little dialogue. It is in Icelandic with subtitles. The end of the film is haunting to say the least. The Second film, The Little Terrorist, is what I would call an 'innocence of children' film. What I mean by that is that the film looks at a really complicated issue (the whole India/Pakistan hatred of each other) but through the eyes of a child who really knows nothing about the world at large, just how this affects his day to day life. It reflects on how we become as we get older. The link is above. Watch it let me know what you think? I thought it was an excellent film and shows how much you can do with the medium!! I have about 4 ideas for making a short film already.... :-D

Friday SurGerY

Friday Afternoon Surgery

Patient 1 - Hi Dr G, I am in desperate trouble as my Gruffter has creatures living in it...I keep finding mouse droppings in my underwear and my wife says she won't nosh me off any more due to being bitten on the lip by a rodent the last time she tried to get near my willy? She says she will leave me if I don't trim my unruly man garden! She describes it as like 'trying to suck a wurthers original through a thorn bush while being attacked by creatures!'

Well this is a problem that is becoming more and more frequent in my surgeries.. What to do with seventies Gruffter!! This is how I see it..Your hair is disappearing from your head and appearing in your ears, nose, butt, gruffter etc..You feel old and nostalgic for the seventies when big chops and mullets were all the rage!! I say, 'Get With it' Shave that bad boy off..If woman can have a 'Brazilian' so can men..Hell I had 'Dr G Rocks' shaved into my man muff the other week!! The ladies love it!! Once done just surprise your partner by dropping your pants at her place of work and saying ' Oooo Baby suck on this Murray Mint!!' Result!!

Patient 2 - Dr G, I am desperate, I keep waking up with the cat in our bed! I hate the fooking thing but it is my girlfriends. She has clearly stated to me that it is both pussies or none!! What should I do?

Well the selfish bitch! This sort of thing really gets to me!! I used to live with someone who was exactly the same!!She had a big ginger cat that used to sleep on the bed.  If it's both pussies or none then I suggest one night you put gaffer tape around the cat and bum it! When your girlfriend wakes up and sees you in action you can just turn around and say ' well this is what you like so I thought I would treat your cat exactly the same'. Result!! Equal Opps in action.... Boom!!

Be safe out there!! Dr G

The EditoRs 2007 25/10/07 - The EditOrS 2009 23/10/09

The Editors @ Rock City 25/10/07

Interesting night...I can't believe this was 2 years ago? It seems like a few months ago!

I had already seen the Editors @ the Social and the Rescue Rooms. I still love their first album.

The second is ok but the latest is pretty average to say the least.

What happened that night changed my life!!

Changed me, some good some not so good!!

I should regret the events of the night but then I would be regretting meeting someone who I still care about even though she is a dick who can barely speak to me these days!!

I don't believe in regrets..what is the point? It's done and you can't change it!

You just have to learn from your mistakes.

I hope tonight's gig is as much fun!! ;-D

New WoRds aNd PhRaSeS - THE G DICKTIONARY 5

New Words and Phrases

Pixel Dick - In short this cute little phrase is used when you intend to film yourself and your partner getting giggy shall we say!! Nothing like home made porn!! ;-D The thought of seeing myself in action does not appeal to me in the slightest but apparently some of my mates quite enjoy the experience! The question you need to ask is how many pixels does it take to cover up your willy? It is like porn they dont want you to look at were they make all the interesting bits fuzzy!! Always aim high...that will be 3 pixels then !! This phrase will become quite common I feel between swingers and nuns. Females will also be able to use the phrase 'Pixel Pussy' to talk about the size of their gash!! winner!!

Gruff or Gruffter - This is what boys call their man muff!! A gruffter!! It is like the Raleigh Grifter of Muffs!!! A beast of a muff!! For those of you who don't know what a Raleigh Grifter is then I shall give a brief description..It was like the Sherman Tank of bmx's!! I kid you not.. When bmx's became popular this was the Britsih response.. I remember trying to do a jump off a plank on this, it fooking nearly killed me! I literally dropped off the end of a wall, head first..testicles wrapped around the seat post!! I talked like Graham Norton for a week..It hurts just thinking about it!!! On reflection though, I loved my Grifter! I had many a fun time pushing the bastard uphill!! lol !! But, I love my gruffter more...te he he!!

T.L.C. Breakfast - A T.L.C. breakfast is what gets me through the working week!!

Tea - cups and cups of Tea!!

Liquid Ibruprofen - the best invention of the last 50 years, 2 capsules thank you please!!

Cheese on Toast - It just tastes so right!!! mmmmm!!!

Georgie Breakfast - Named after one of the greatest footballers,shaggers and downright legends ever!! George Best!! The Georgie breakfast is quite simple and straight to the point...One can of Stella...Hairy dog and lets get back on it!! The Georgie Breakfast is frequently used on weekenders and when you know ain't nothing going to cure your hangover but another beer. It has to be Stella or you are a gayer! fact!

Leo Sayer - No I don't mean getting a piggy back off a curly haired seventies pop idol!! This phrase means going out all day drinking... Leo Sayer = All Dayer!!!! Use this phrase to confuse anyone under the age of 25 who has absolutely no idea who he is!!

I am beginning to realise I must confuse everybody as I talk in riddles and phrases only I know?

Happy days!! :-D

PuBiC sErViCes!!!

I love this!!

It is a wall display at work!!

Everytime I see it or teach in this room I smile to myself knowing that this is there!!

Why?

The reason why is because it has been there for nearly a year and still nobody has changed it!!

People miss the small things in life, the detail, because they are too busy!!

Not me, oh no..life is in the small detail...

It's the small detail that makes us interesting

I also have a juvenile sense of humour :-D

A bit HaRsH?? But is it true? ;-D

When students arrive at college we welcome them with this!!

Usually the answer is this!!

 Only joking we are having an energy efficiency week at work!!

Look at my Depthometer!! Oooooooooo!! lovely ;-D

12 bands I'm listening to at the moment

1. Little Comets

2. The Answering Machine
3. The Drums
4. Julian Plenti
5. The Cribs
6. Dananananaykroyd
7. Maps
8. Mumford and Sons
9. The XX
10. The Wild Beasts
11. Cold Cave
12.The Temper Trap

All worth a listen!!!Been to or going to see all of these in the next month or so!! yeah for live music ;-D

Drunk Texting!!! Not A good Idea?

For some strange reason when I am pissed/drunk I can't co-ordinate my eyes and hands!!!

I was slightly tipsy last night and I sent this text to my mother!!!

How big is your pixel dick?

My mother, bless her, replied this morning with this text...

Gordon, where you drunk last night?

Are you drinking too much?

Hope you are ok?

Ring me.

What is a pixel dick?

love mum xx

Apparently, on the outside I didn't look that drunk last night but on the inside I was wankered!!

When I get really pissed I try not to text as I send them to the wrong number!!

I have no idea why I have text dyslexia when I am pissed but??

I had some interesting replies this morning!! lol!!

If you know me and you receive a text that has no meaning then don't worry if it is from me I am just wankered..just send me a crazier reply!!! please!! lolol!!! :-Dx 

WhAt is YouR FanTasY?

Thought of the day - What is your fantasy?

I'm trying to think what mine would be?Mmmm!!

I suppose it would be to be a successsful writer, artist, director etc...

Not just a lecturer becoming more and more synical!

Not having to deal with everyday bollox and funding cuts!!

I did say what is your fantasy :-D

Jamie Shadow (10 ) - Stencilboy

Jamie Shadow (10)

'The Outsider'

Jamie knew it was time to say goodbye. He had waited and waited but time was running out. It had to be done now! His thought process was usually so straight forward and uncomplicated but he knew that this time saying goodbye wouldn't be easy. He had become attached to Annik which was totally against his own rules. Rule number 4 - never make friendships you can't leave behind. 'Fuck! fuck! fuck!' He thought!! How the bollox am I going to say goodbye? Usually he wouldn't. He would just disappear as he had appeared, without warning and in the nightime when it was safe to travel. He had to move on tonight, Llewoc and his cronies were closing in on his whereabouts, which would mean danger for Annik. If Llewoc found out he had been stopping in the squat with Annik he would simply destroy the building and imprison everyone. He would think while he packed, clearing any traces of his existense. As Jamie packed what little possessions he had together he hadn't noticed Annik appear at the doorway, quietly observing him, She had dreaded this moment even though she knew it would happen. 'J 'she said softly, he didn't hear in his heightened state of anxiety, 'J ya dick!!' He turned and smiled, 'Annik..I'm....' 'It's ok J, I know what you are doing' She walked over to him and held him as tightly as she could. She tearfully kissed him and then whispered in his ear 'I will always remember you J, be safe' with that she looked into his eyes and softly touched his face 'be safe J' she repeated before turning away quickly and leaving. Jamie for once was stuck for words! He stood in silence...he breathed out deeply and shook his head touching the side of his face where Annik had kissed him. He hoped that it wouldn't be the last time he saw Annik. He stuffed the rest of his belongings into his pack, threw it over his shoulder and checked his watch..5.25 am, the train was at 5.45 just enough time before it started to get light.

Later on the train..

Jamie was lead down on his pack contemplating his next move whilst rolling the heart shaped pebble in his hand that Annik had given him as a gift. She had found it on the beach and had left it on his pillow a couple of days ago. He smiled to himself as he remembered all of the good times they had shared together whilst trying to keep warm and get comfortable on the floor of the carriage. 

Finally, his body succumed to sleep deprivation. 

The Train left the station....destination unknown!

 

I love the work of Jamie Hewlett!!

Jamie Shadow (10) aka Stencilboy is another character I am working on at the moment.

FAC 10 is a factory catalogue number.

Llewoc is his arch enemy!!! mwah!! ;-D

Emily L’Etranger (23) - Stencilgirl

Emily

L'Etranger (23)

Emily was led by the side of the pond in her overgrown garden. She loved to hide here! It was the one place she could find peace and solitude. She looked deep into the depths of the water and wondered to herself, is this what life has to offer? It had been a strange time in her life. A lot of things had happened, some good some bad. The forces inside her had been strong. She had been granted powers beyond that of normal human beings. The ability to alter the future, to change peoples lives. But with it came responsibility and danger. There were many questions she needed answering but for now she just wanted to rest and dream of a time when life was less complicated.

Scribblings - I am in the process of developing characters for some projects I am working on.
Emily L'Etranger (23) is going to become STENCILGIRL.
23 is a FAC catalogue number. Check it out if your interested!!
I realy like using the imagery of peoples minds when they are asleep.

The Answering Machine @ Social Nottingham15/10/09

A good night!! A good band!! ;-D

CoMe DiNe WiTh G

You've heard of Come Dine With Me...Now Come Dine With G!!

I used to enjoy watching 'Come Dine' then cooking for friends...I decided to cook for a lady friend..(the way to a womans pants...I mean heart, is to spoil them by cooking for them ;-D

I have been a little inactive on the cooking front recently so I thought I would jump back on that horse with something nice and easy!! A seafood starter with salad, (served with champagne) followed by chicken fajitas. Lovely!! Prepared everything .. all was going swimmingly well. Put some music on, I thought Primal Scream, Screamadelica era

Danced upstairs...shower etc...get ready!! Plenty of time!! Shower on....Now this could be an experiment you can try yourselfs at home? This is what happened...I got in the shower, I used the Shower gel which is mint and tea tree...which makes you tingle...Like your nuts have been left in a deep freeezer and are thawing out!!

I had also been chopping chillies!! They were red hot!! I had washed my hands but obviously not near enough!!

 I can honestly say it is one of the strangest feelings I have ever had!! One Second my bits  felt all cold and tingly, then in an instant they were on fire, then cold, then on fire!!

I hosed myself down with the shower head and got some Moist toilet tissue and proceeded to be uncomfortable for a good five minutes.. Try it..It is an indescribable feeling. It's like putting your bits in a freezer then into a fire..mint-tingly-chilli-burn-!!A bit like Sweet & Sour...but not

Anyway, I was a bit concerned that if I got some pistola action It might be interesting..I resisted the temptation to be naughty and thouroughly washed my hands (if you ever want to see you girlfriend run upstairs like Usain Bolt and find her with the shower head strategically placed then try the old chilli pistolas! It works a treat from experience ;-Dx)

The night went well when I started feeling room temperature again.

It felt good to be entertaining...it's been a while, I have been a little lazy on the cooking front!!

 I might plan one of my famous curry nights soon!!

Chillis nice but naughty!!! :-D

Dr G's Surgery

Surgery Time

A few e-mails have been brought to my attention over the last couple of days - Fellow humans in need of help and who am I to withhold my knowledge!! ;-D

Problem 1: Dr G I have 'ninety nine problems but the bitch ain't one!' What should I do?

Well, in my experience it is always better to have even problems, odd numbers are always unlucky! So as of now you should be trying to really piss that bitch off!! Sleep with her mother, Wet the bed, preferable by urinating on her back, don't wash yourself for a few days and constantly fart when she is near you and blame her. Argue with her for no reason and just be an asshole in general! I guarantee that you will have a nice 100 problems within 3 weeks!! You will be single and be able to wank yourself silly at ever opportunity! result!

Problem 2: Dr G I feel like a pair of curtains! what should I do?

Well, this is tricky! You are obviously feeling vulnerable at the moment, what with all those opening and closures in your life. Not knowing whether to open up or keep shut all the time...You are probably feeling quite veloury at the moment and a bit crusty if, as in my youth after sex with the babysitter I used to like to wipe my cock on the curtains as a sort of territorial thing. A bit like a tom cat who squirts his muck everywhere to say 'this is my patch, yeah baby', well the ritual of 'wipeage' was the same. It used to make me smile to see my crustations when I returned to the room the following week! The answer I feel, is to become like a venetian blind. All new and trendy!! Who wants to be curtains now??Nobody, I hear you cry..Book yourself in for the operation to convert yourself, become a new man!!  Easy to open and close and there ain't no chance anyone will wipe anything on you unless they want their dick splicing!! Result

Please remember I am a fully qualified in first aid!! Be careful out there people..

The Past is a Ghost

Ghost

You are a ghost

Who wanders the corridors of my mind

You appear and disappear at will

Just a figment of my Titanic imagination

No reason or rhyme

Appearing at any moment

Day or night

I wish it was as easy

As pressing the delete key

And your memory

Would disappear

Never to reappear

Our car crash romance

Never happened

I never loved you

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

But somehow

I think

You are here to stay

For a while anyway

To haunt me

And taunt me

With what could have been

With what will never be

You are just a ghost

We never existed

I finally woke up to

Wuthering Heights

Reality

GordX

In Bruges - A Funny Film!!!

In Bruges!!

Two Manky Hookers and a Racist Dwarf!!!

Why's a fifty year old Lollipop Man doing Karate Ken?

Saw your midget today..Prick didn't even say hello!

One gay beer for my gay friend, one normal beer for me because I am normal.

Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a c**t. You're a c**t now, and you've always been a c**t. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger c**t. Maybe have some more c**t kids.
Harry: [furious] Leave my kids f**king out of it! What have they done? You f**king retract that bit about my c**t f**king kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your c**t f**king kids.
Harry: Insult my f**king kids? That's going overboard, mate!

Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?

Ray: A lot of midgets tend to kill themselves. The disproportionate, I meant. I heard of Billy Chase offed on Fantasy Island. I think somebody offed on Time Bandits. I suppose they must get really sad about like being really little and that people looking at them, laughing at them, calling them names. You know, short arse. There's another famous midget. I miss him but I can't remember. It's not the R2D2 man; no, he's still going. I hope your midget doesn't kill himself. Your dream sequence will be f**ked.
Chloë: He doesn't like being called a midget. He prefers dwarf.
Ray: This is exactly my point! People going around calling you a midget when you want to be called a dwarf. Of course you're going to blow your head off.

I don't need to say anymore!! It's just a funny as fook film!

Watch it.. if you don't laugh then...there is no helping you!

All I will say is that this will become a classic in the Withnail and I sense!

I have only seen it about 10 times..I am watching it again tonight!

It's only £3 in Asda at the moment! A classic for the cost of a pint!:-D

DR G - sEND mE yOUR pROBLEMS!

I have decided to become a Doctor - Dr Gonzo or Dr G for short!!

I feel well qualified..Ever since I did my 4 day First Aid at Work Course I have been dying to get a white coat and start work at the Queens Med in Nottingham!!

Let's face it, the NHS needs me!!

Please send me all your problems and I guarantee I will laugh at you and share it with everyone on the internet!! Remember a trouble shared is a trouble everyone else can laugh at!!!

What are you waiting for?????

I'm Doctor G - Send me your problems!!

tHE XX @ sOCIAL nOTTINGHAM 7/10/09

The XX

Before I heard the band play any music I read that they were a cross between The Cure, Massive Attack and Portishead!! So automatically I was fascinated!! I wasn't disappointed! I love the album and the thought of seeing them in the Social excited me, lots and lots! I have seen them once before at Leeds Festival but it was mid afternoon hungover slot so didn't really concentrate that much.

The Support band were pretty average - The Trailer Trash Tracys - Mmmm? Like the Eurythmics without the rhythm! I needed something special  to stop me drifting off into a Red Stripe Haze. The XX's came on and the whole venue went into what can only be described as an intense silence of expectation.

They have roughly one album's worth of tunes, 40 mins long and then they do a cover version, usually Teardrops by Womack and Womack. The time flew by as they went through the album in virtual order. Highlights for me were Crystalised, VCR, Islands and Teardrops.

The Social was an ideal venue for their intimate and minimilistic sound. Combined with barely any lighting it created an extraordinary electrically charged atmosphere which I had never experienced before at a gig in the Social. This was my fifth gig in 7 days but definitely one to remember. A 9/10 night :-D

Go and see this band before they get big!! I am not sure how well their sound will transfer to big venues? This issue I discussed with someone who turned out to be the Lead singer of the XX's girlfriend! Whoops!! She wasn't impressed but hey we are all entitled to our opinions! I did tell her also that I loved the album and the gig!! The band signed the poster for me and I bought ANOTHER t-shirt!!

Checkout SUBCULTUREART TV on Youtube for some of the footage of the gig I recorded.

LadY MaThs!

Lady Maths!!

(or Man Maths if you are a lady)

This is maths but much more fun unless your a maths boffin and therefore a dull fook!!!

Here How the experiment works!!

Work out the amount of ladies one 'could potentially get jiggy with' (very loose term) on any particular day! ;-D

At the moment I have 5 ladies involved in my life. Involved being another very loose term!

Whether some of them would want to get jiggy with me ever again is another issue.

Ex sex, always fun for 30 mins then you hate each other again!

Let's just say my life is quite complicated!

My mate Sarah at work likes to give them individual nicklnames, abbreviated to

C, L, W, B, X,

Ok, now the maths can begin!

C no chance - rather stab me with blunt knitting needles

L possible with a lot of effort

W possible with a lot of effort 

B no chance - rather tell her counsellor what a c##t I am

X possible

So today would be a 60% day!! ;-D

Not only does 'Lady Maths' keep your mathematical mind active it also helps keep you deluded!!

Another win win experiment from the G-Lab.

Be safe out there..This experiment is not for the married! ;-D

Is JudY pUnchinG RiChArD?

Judy & Richard!!

You know it people!! Oh yeah, she wears the trousers!!

This is a new weekly supplement were I pick the best drunken conversation/discussion/debate that I have had in my week of drunken tomfoolery!!! ;-D

Is Judy punching above her weight with Richard?

The evidence - She is eighty five a bit on the tubby side and clearly got some sort of illness! Alcoholism, Parkinsons, Alzheimers or any other disease that makes you shake like a pneumatic drill!! Politely put..past her sell by date!

Richard is about 50, clearly quite healthy, handsome and very wealthy. He could probably pull some fresh lady aka Gary Lineker style so why is he still with Judy?

1) Judy is obviously a filthy minx?

2) Judy must give great hand/tit wanks shaking like a pneumatic drill?

3) Judy has bosoms for pillows?

4) Richard feels sorry for her?

5) Richard is scared shitless of her? He could well be described as a gayer!

6) Richard is a cock - remember Ali G?

7) They are actually still in love with each other???

I would like to think it was 7 but I think it is a cross between 2 and 5!!! :-D

Always remember with a Mass Debate there are no right or wrong answers...just total irrelevant conversation.  Lets face it, when you are out for a pint the last thing you want is some serious cunt talking politics etc.. Now that would be a fooking joke at the moment!!! :-D

Text ResponSe - One CockorTwo?

This is how this experiment from the G-Lab came about!!

A recent girlfriend sent me a picture message on a Saturday night..There is me thinking a nice shot in her underwear etc...Imagine my disappointment when I opened the message to discover a picture of a floor sander under the title 'stripper'!!! Mmmmmm I thought!! Indeed!! Very funny and witty as anyone that knows me knows that I hate DIY!!! B & Q is the devils work!!

How could I best reply...here is how the experiment goes..

she has only recently began to see the delightful appendage that is my willy...lucky girl I hear you cry..or maybe not?? Anyway, I thought I would test the lady in question by sending her not 1 but a pictures of 4 different willies and ask her to guess which one was mine?? Oh yes...

What would this proove?

1. Had she taken any notice?

2.Is she blind? I thought the white stick was unusual?

2. Is she up for a laugh? At my expense?

3. We all have a mate who can't wait to get it out...if she identified his then he isn't much of a mate!!

4. Would she show it to her mates to discuss? Of Course!!!

5. Has she seen much willy? I put a black one in there to confuse her!!

6. Is she impressed by my Willy? She is human!!! So Probably no?

7. Did she like my plumage? Did I need to trim my 70's man garden?

8. What type of response would I get? Would it make her horny?

9. Would she send me a picture of her lady bits? and some of her mates lady bits?

10. Would she think I was mental..Probably!! Win win all the way!!!

Be safe kids when trying out this experiment as I sent the text to my x because I was so drunk!!

Never use a picture of your own willy in case one of her mates recognises it!! ;-D

This experiment is ideal for either gender..have fun but be safe!!

More experiments from the G-lab to follow!!

'Look at my plumage' said the Cock!!!