Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Hi Dr G - I have a really strange problem which I have absolutely no explanation for!!

About a month ago I woke up and I had become Boris Becker?

The unfortunate side effect of this is that I continually grunt and dive on the floor at every opportunity..whether or not I'm saving a set point. I don't even play tennis?

I have started to speak in ridiculous robotic English/German! I have never even been to Germany?

I have even started to listen to Eighties music and like David Hasselhoff??

Even my diet is affected..I now only eat stinky sausages

The clothes I wear.. I want to wear leather lederhosen?##!

I think the condition is getting worse as I have started to want to have knee tremblers in broom cupboards and wanting anal with Sue Barker!

Please help..I am desperate..I can't listen to the 'Hoff' anymore and I think my wife will leave me soon :-(

Well Boris (sorry couldn't help myself!) this is not as uncommon as you think!

This condition is known as Depersonalisation or DPD

My advice is go with the flow...do as Boris did!

Start to play tennis and become a Playboy.

Turn to alcohol, drugs and a bit of tax evasion.

It will be fun and your wife will leave you - (win and win)

Eventually you will meet yourself in the future (or prison) and

 you will turn back into your old self! (fact)

Let's face it, you have been pretty lucky with your choice.

You could have been serial killer Patrick Bateman a classic DPD patient.

Imagine how much fun that would be!!

Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Hi Dr G...My name is Alan Dong (obviously that is not my real name) and I have a little problem!

I have been feeling a little itchy and scratchy lately around my 'love region' shall we call it. Anyway, I am worried that I might have Chlamydia. I looked at the symtoms but I feel and piss like that after a night on the town when I've drunk 15 pints of Stella,10 flaming Sambucca's and shagged a munter bareback!!

•a white/cloudy or watery discharge from the penis,

•burning and itching in the genital area,

•pain when passing urine, or

•painful swelling of the testicles.

I keep seeing these adverts on buses saying that there is free Clamydia testing for under 25's! However, I am 39 and a half and therefore wouldn't qualify for free testing!! I think it is an outrage and 'ageist' not too allow us old pervs free tests as well!! Do the government think we stop having sex after the age of 25? What do you advise Dr G? I can't sleep at night for worrying!! :-(

Dr G - Well Alan, (I hope it's not your real name) I have thought about this long and hard! For all of 2 minutes..The solution is far easier than you might think and potentially pleasurable!! All you need to do is shag someone under 25 and send her to the 'Clap Clinic' It will be free, fun and she will have all the embarrassment of going to the clinic..The slag!!! If she is clean you are clean...result! Win, win and win!

Hope this will enable you to sleep better at night :-)

Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Dr G

Dear Dr G - I have recently met a new girlfriend. I really like her and I stopped over at her house for the first time not long ago. Everything was going well until we went to the bedroom! We were getting down to business when she got up and walked over to the window sill and closed three small boxes? I asked what they were? She replied that they were the ashes of her dead dogs!! Fluffy, Scruffy and Trevor!! It freaked me out totally!! I mean, why the fook would you call a dog Trevor? I found out later that it was the name of her dead husband. My friends have now started taking the piss and call her the 'Black Widow.' The problem I have, is that I can't get aroused anymore when I am with her because I keep thinking about Trevor!! I really like her, what should I do?

This is a more common problem than you would think!!

There are a few options available;

1) If you really like her, ask her if the dogs would like to watch? Take some toys for them to play with! Take them for a walk together...just think how romantic it would be!!!

2) Ask her if she likes it doggy style..always a bonus!!

3) Snort the ashes as a form of foreplay

4) Replace the ashes with pork scratchings..she will never know until you eat them!!

5) You have to ask yourself what sort of a crazy bitch calls a dog Trevor?

6) Leave the crazy bitch well alone...dead dogs on the window sill!!!

7) How fit is she? Above an 8/10 she can do what the fook she likes no matter how fooking mental it might seem! Always remember..true love never runs smoothly and your mates might take the piss but they can't suck your cock!!(unless you play rugby)

Be safe now!!! A problem shared is a problem doubled!!

Friday SurGerY

Friday Afternoon Surgery

Patient 1 - Hi Dr G, I am in desperate trouble as my Gruffter has creatures living in it...I keep finding mouse droppings in my underwear and my wife says she won't nosh me off any more due to being bitten on the lip by a rodent the last time she tried to get near my willy? She says she will leave me if I don't trim my unruly man garden! She describes it as like 'trying to suck a wurthers original through a thorn bush while being attacked by creatures!'

Well this is a problem that is becoming more and more frequent in my surgeries.. What to do with seventies Gruffter!! This is how I see it..Your hair is disappearing from your head and appearing in your ears, nose, butt, gruffter etc..You feel old and nostalgic for the seventies when big chops and mullets were all the rage!! I say, 'Get With it' Shave that bad boy off..If woman can have a 'Brazilian' so can men..Hell I had 'Dr G Rocks' shaved into my man muff the other week!! The ladies love it!! Once done just surprise your partner by dropping your pants at her place of work and saying ' Oooo Baby suck on this Murray Mint!!' Result!!

Patient 2 - Dr G, I am desperate, I keep waking up with the cat in our bed! I hate the fooking thing but it is my girlfriends. She has clearly stated to me that it is both pussies or none!! What should I do?

Well the selfish bitch! This sort of thing really gets to me!! I used to live with someone who was exactly the same!!She had a big ginger cat that used to sleep on the bed.  If it's both pussies or none then I suggest one night you put gaffer tape around the cat and bum it! When your girlfriend wakes up and sees you in action you can just turn around and say ' well this is what you like so I thought I would treat your cat exactly the same'. Result!! Equal Opps in action.... Boom!!

Be safe out there!! Dr G

Dr G's Surgery

Surgery Time

A few e-mails have been brought to my attention over the last couple of days - Fellow humans in need of help and who am I to withhold my knowledge!! ;-D

Problem 1: Dr G I have 'ninety nine problems but the bitch ain't one!' What should I do?

Well, in my experience it is always better to have even problems, odd numbers are always unlucky! So as of now you should be trying to really piss that bitch off!! Sleep with her mother, Wet the bed, preferable by urinating on her back, don't wash yourself for a few days and constantly fart when she is near you and blame her. Argue with her for no reason and just be an asshole in general! I guarantee that you will have a nice 100 problems within 3 weeks!! You will be single and be able to wank yourself silly at ever opportunity! result!

Problem 2: Dr G I feel like a pair of curtains! what should I do?

Well, this is tricky! You are obviously feeling vulnerable at the moment, what with all those opening and closures in your life. Not knowing whether to open up or keep shut all the time...You are probably feeling quite veloury at the moment and a bit crusty if, as in my youth after sex with the babysitter I used to like to wipe my cock on the curtains as a sort of territorial thing. A bit like a tom cat who squirts his muck everywhere to say 'this is my patch, yeah baby', well the ritual of 'wipeage' was the same. It used to make me smile to see my crustations when I returned to the room the following week! The answer I feel, is to become like a venetian blind. All new and trendy!! Who wants to be curtains now??Nobody, I hear you cry..Book yourself in for the operation to convert yourself, become a new man!!  Easy to open and close and there ain't no chance anyone will wipe anything on you unless they want their dick splicing!! Result

Please remember I am a fully qualified in first aid!! Be careful out there people..

DR G - sEND mE yOUR pROBLEMS!

I have decided to become a Doctor - Dr Gonzo or Dr G for short!!

I feel well qualified..Ever since I did my 4 day First Aid at Work Course I have been dying to get a white coat and start work at the Queens Med in Nottingham!!

Let's face it, the NHS needs me!!

Please send me all your problems and I guarantee I will laugh at you and share it with everyone on the internet!! Remember a trouble shared is a trouble everyone else can laugh at!!!

What are you waiting for?????

I'm Doctor G - Send me your problems!!