Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Hi Dr G - I have a really strange problem which I have absolutely no explanation for!!

About a month ago I woke up and I had become Boris Becker?

The unfortunate side effect of this is that I continually grunt and dive on the floor at every opportunity..whether or not I'm saving a set point. I don't even play tennis?

I have started to speak in ridiculous robotic English/German! I have never even been to Germany?

I have even started to listen to Eighties music and like David Hasselhoff??

Even my diet is affected..I now only eat stinky sausages

The clothes I wear.. I want to wear leather lederhosen?##!

I think the condition is getting worse as I have started to want to have knee tremblers in broom cupboards and wanting anal with Sue Barker!

Please help..I am desperate..I can't listen to the 'Hoff' anymore and I think my wife will leave me soon :-(

Well Boris (sorry couldn't help myself!) this is not as uncommon as you think!

This condition is known as Depersonalisation or DPD

My advice is go with the flow...do as Boris did!

Start to play tennis and become a Playboy.

Turn to alcohol, drugs and a bit of tax evasion.

It will be fun and your wife will leave you - (win and win)

Eventually you will meet yourself in the future (or prison) and

 you will turn back into your old self! (fact)

Let's face it, you have been pretty lucky with your choice.

You could have been serial killer Patrick Bateman a classic DPD patient.

Imagine how much fun that would be!!

Tokyo Police Club - Elephant Shell ( Number 30)

This is the single that I fell in love with!!!
'You don't need to change the future is ours'
Another great night in the Social watching these!!! :-D
Now upto a Top 30 and just thought of another album...shit!!

Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf (number 27)

Not really a great ROCK fan but this album just makes you want to play geeetar!!!
Picked this one as it reminds me of when I saw them at the V Festival in 2003.
Nick Oliveri was naked but for his beard!!
The start reminds me of the Dead Kennedy's!!
Playing Air Geeetar as I listen in the office!! ;-D

Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours (Number 28)

Cut Copy - Australian band
Saw these @ The Loop Festival in Brighton in 2008
This track is called Lights and Music
This album is full of tracks that make you want to Dance off With your Pants Off!!!
Lights and Music are on my mind.
A perfect Friday afternoon tune to get you in the mood for Friday night!!!

Toilet SnOrkELLiNg - iT cOuLd SaVe YouR LiFe

You may think this might be a dangerous thing to do?

A last resort?

Think again fool!!

Toilet Snorkelling may save your life!!

When, you ask?

When your house is on fire!

This guy is using the new breath easy, Toilet Snorkel, formulated to provide a fresh air source during fires.

In most fires, it's the smoke that will get you, and a source of fresh air can be a life saver. So I have invented  a way to snake a snorkel through the zigs and zags of your toilet, so you can breath sewer air instead of smoke. Winner!!

Always remember it's better to eat shit than be dead!!

Duncan Bannatyne loved it and he's full of shit..but ALIVE

dRiNk WhiLe UriNatiNg - G-Lab

Duration: 1 - 2 minutes

Props: Toilet and glass of water

Effect: Wide open

For hundreds of thousands of years the vast majority of humans have lived and died without trying the following experiment. It is, however, both extremely straight forward and extremely interesting.
Like everyone else, you urinate. At other moments you drink. What you do not know is what it feels like to do both at the same time. This experiment will show you.
Have a large glass of water to hand. When you begin to urinate, start drinking. As far as possible, you should try to drink the water straight down, without pausing. You will feel quite bizarre sensations almost immediately. The water you evacuate seems to be synchronised with that entering your mouth. You will then visualize, and above all feel, your body to be organised in a way which until then you had never imagined possible. The water you are drinking seems to exit directly from your bladder. In a few seconds you will feel directly wired, from the throat to urethra, from stomach to bladder - a physiology that is impossible but which you intuit, directly and unquestionably, to be real. Like a cosmic flux!!
This experiment is likely to procure ever new sensations and surprises with each try!!!
What are you waiting for????
More experiments from the G-Lab....Pushing Boundaries Nowhere

Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Hi Dr G...My name is Alan Dong (obviously that is not my real name) and I have a little problem!

I have been feeling a little itchy and scratchy lately around my 'love region' shall we call it. Anyway, I am worried that I might have Chlamydia. I looked at the symtoms but I feel and piss like that after a night on the town when I've drunk 15 pints of Stella,10 flaming Sambucca's and shagged a munter bareback!!

•a white/cloudy or watery discharge from the penis,

•burning and itching in the genital area,

•pain when passing urine, or

•painful swelling of the testicles.

I keep seeing these adverts on buses saying that there is free Clamydia testing for under 25's! However, I am 39 and a half and therefore wouldn't qualify for free testing!! I think it is an outrage and 'ageist' not too allow us old pervs free tests as well!! Do the government think we stop having sex after the age of 25? What do you advise Dr G? I can't sleep at night for worrying!! :-(

Dr G - Well Alan, (I hope it's not your real name) I have thought about this long and hard! For all of 2 minutes..The solution is far easier than you might think and potentially pleasurable!! All you need to do is shag someone under 25 and send her to the 'Clap Clinic' It will be free, fun and she will have all the embarrassment of going to the clinic..The slag!!! If she is clean you are clean...result! Win, win and win!

Hope this will enable you to sleep better at night :-)

AnThOny anD tHe JoHnSons - I am A biRd NoW (number 29)

This guy has the most exquisite voice...I would love to see/hear him live.
I love to listen to this album on a hungover Saturday or Sunday morning.
Everything is quiet and you just hear his beautiful voice...makes you feel alive again!

mY Top 30 aLbums Of the Noughties :-D

1. Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights

2. Radiohead - In Rainbows

3. The Killers - Hot Fuss

4. Strokes - Is this it

5. Artic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's what I'm Not

6. LCD Soundsystem - Sound Of Silver

7. Kasabian - Kasabian

8. The Libertines - Up the Bracket

9. Babyshambles - Down in the Albion
10. White Stripes - Elephant

11. Maps - We Can Create

12. The Streets - Original Pirate Material

13. Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future

14. Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

15. Peter, Bjorn and John - Writer's Block

16. Art Brut - Bang Bang Rock n Roll

17. The Horrors - Primary Colours

18. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

19. The Maccabees - Wall of Arms

20. The XX - The XX
21. Gorillaz - Gorillaz
22. Maximo Park - A Certain Trigger
23. The Cribs - Mens Needs, Womens Needs, Whatever

24. Wild Beasts - Two Dancers
25. Hard Fi - Stars of CCTV
26. Noah and the Whale - The First Days of Spring
27. Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
28. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours
29. Anthony and the Johnsons - I am a Bird Now
30. Tokyo Police Club - Elephant Shell

These albums are my favourites of the last 10 years for lots of different reasons...

They might not all be critically acclaimed but I love each one.
I could probably add another 20 to this list but..

I think I will say why I like each one on a weekly basis..
I have seen 26 out of the 30 bands concerned..
Starting with Anthony and the Johnsons :-D

PrAcTiCaL DiReCtiNg SkiLLs cOUrSe

MuM and Dad Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rihTVF8HyoM

PRACTICAL

DIRECTING SKILLS

STEVEN SHEIL

This popular course returns, led by

filmmaker Steven Sheil, teaching a

hands-on approach to directing drama

for camera.

Steven Sheil released his terrifying

feature debut Mum and Dad in

2008 and is co-director of

Broadway’s Mayhem Horror Film

Festival.

Course starts tonight!! Can't wait!!

First saw this film last Christmas..

How shall I phrase it..it was an alternative Christmas last year!!

Should be fun having the guy who directed this as a tutor!! :-D

Oliver Reed

Reed’s views on the subject of death were relatively well documented (and before he died he arranged to have £10,000 out of his estate spent at his local pub, but only for “those who are crying”). Discussing potential body-disposal methods, Reed refuted the deep-freeze method adopted by those such as “rich Americans like Walt Disney”.


Also slated was the idea of him being laid out for days in his Sunday best in order to “have people gawping at me to see what a dead hellraiser looks like”, as was cremation, as was burial due to his disgust at “maggots having a ball crawling up my nose and out of my mouth”, and burial at sea: “Who wants to be gobbled up by a big fish and become excrement that is swallowed up by a prawn… ending up as mayonnaise, being nibbled at by a pretty girl… I don’t want to be permanent shit.’”

Reed’s ideal form of post-life disposal? “I would much rather end up a fertiliser under a sunflower which is eventually made into sunflower seed oil so that instead of nibbling me in her prawn cocktail, the pretty girl will rub me on her bristols as she suns herself on a beach in the Caribbean”.
 
I could make lots of comments but ultimately it's not a bad ethos!! Or is it???
I love to party but we only have one body and that soon tires of constant abuse!!
I find characters like Oliver Reed fascinating..I think it is because they are so talented and yet self destruct or is that why they self destruct? Mmmmm interesting.... :-D

CeLebRity SuiCide

Derek and Clive - Legendary Fellows with the foresight to have seen the future of shit TV known as Celebrity Big Brother!!! Give me Celebrity Suicide anytime...

Derek and Clive - Celebrity Suicide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQsGBgDRNuM

What a pair of c##ts!!!

New Year Resolutions

Aha!! New Year's Resolutions!

1. Write more - Blogs/scripts/poetry etc..

2. Read more - books I keep buying and not reading

3. Complete a Film Project

4. Travel to 3 new countries

5. Do some voluntary work

6. Get fitter not fatter!! eek!!

7. Work Hard...Party Harder (more gigs)

8. Get Divorced..properly

9. Sort my career out...one way or another!!
10. Organise another gig for LMHR


Make 2010 a year to remember!!

I think that is more than enough to be going on with! :-Dx