What a Waster!!

What a waster, what a fucking waster
You pissed it all up the wall
Round the corner where they chased her

There's tears coming out from everywhere
The city's hard, the city's fair
Get back inside you've got nothing on
No you mind yer bleedin own you two bob cunt

When she wakes up in the morning
She writes down all her dreams
Reads like the book of revelations
Or the Beano or the unabridged Ulysses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7WTkur7qpQ

This is dedicated to my wife and her very expensive Solicitors!!! Merry Xmas :-))))

Ghana

Teaching in Ghana was an unusual but amazing experience!

The main problem was the language barrier and the cultural differences.

The kids will smile and pretend they understand what you are saying rather than question or ask for help.

Identity

Fun times at the moment!!! My lovely wife reads the blog or at least her solicitors do!!!! So when I came home I took all my clothes off so she could have the shirt off my back!!! :-)))))

Half Man Half Biscuit - Rock City

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw1XB7W_4QE

I've been up to no good
I've been dissed in the hood
I've been locked in The Rock City, Notts
I've had stars in my eyes
I told thousands of lies
When arrested at Cowes ribing yachts

From Tonight Matthew, I'm Going To Be With Jesus by Half Man Half Biscuit

This is a comment I got from a project I'm doing at the moment!! Made me smile!! :-))) "I have seen them in Nottingham, sadly not in The Rock City. I used to know a girl from there, apparently her underwear is hanging on a wall there somewhere."

Not Nineteen Forever!!! :-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fM73QX3Hx_w

Not Nineteen Forever Live @ Rock City Nottingham

She's had to peel me off the pavement


Trying to insinuate sometimes I'm in danger of going too far

Said would I like to go for tea and toast?

Get your hand off my thigh

In the car she turned to me and said

You're not nineteen forever, pull yourselves together

I know it seems strange but things they change

My mates think I'm mental for filming gigs but when I watch and listen to this I know exactly why I do it!! A second chance to relive the moment!!The amount of gigs I have been to over the years that I would love to be able to look at the footage now..Interpol in Tokyo, Kasabian in New York, Artic Monkeys @ Bristol BeerKeller, The Strokes @ The Leadmill, Coldplay @ The Leadmill, New Order @ Preston Guildhall..just a few!!! I'm only doing it this year anyway.. :-D

Identity

Went to London at the weekend.

Stopped in Camden in what can only described as a shithole which cost £70

Had a ace weekend and went to see Noel Fielding do a gig @ Just the Tonic Comedy Club on Saturday night in a tiny venue in Leicester Square. I took some footage but for some reason it won't upload!

Managed to meet him afterwards to say hello! He has bleach blond hair at the moment which looks strange.

"I asked for Billy Idol and got Pat Butcher" is how he described it.

On the Sunday, it was really sunny so we walked upto Camden Locks and had lunch.

We also went to The Identity Project which explored the idea of the self and who we are.

A really thought provoking exhibition which is well worth a visit if you are in London.

9 British Films you should See from 2009/2010

I love British film - I find it more interesting and realistic than alot of glossy Hollywood produced stuff!! For me, film is about character's'and plot/story etc... Special effects are good if used appropriately, not if that is the main attraction of the film. If a film relies on CGI  OR 3D it pretty much says that it's an average film with a gimic!!  If you don't agree that's fine...your wrong!! A quick example would be Star Wars...people still talk about the first three films from the 70's - 80's..the latest 3???.. I win!! :-D I think it's fantastic that the Hurt Locker has won more Oscars than Avatar - which should be classed as animation,fantastic animation, but none the less animation.

Anyway... 9 British films from 2009/2010 you should watch!!! :-D

1. FishTank (2009)
2. An Education
3. Sex & Drugs & Rock N Roll - (Ian Dury)
4. Nowhere Boy
5. Looking for Eric
6. The Damned United
7. Moon
8. Le Donk &Scor-zay-zee
9. Tony -London Serial Killer (2010)

I haven't seen the Banksy film yet!!! :-D

The Beauty of Music :-D

Ace of Base

What can I say...

Early nineties cheesy Europop!!

However,

Whenever I hear the song..All That She Wants

I am immediatelly transported back to Romania 2009, on holiday,

 sat in a park, on a sunny afternoon, drinking beer with my mates!!

For 2 hours we listened to the best of Ace of Base..hilarious

I am smiling to myself just thinking about it!

For the rest of my life whenever I hear Ace of Base...

(not very often I imagine)

I will think of that special time with my friends :-Dx

All that she wants!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aom_Vvsmg7I&feature=related

Stage Diving (Crowd Surfing) or Muff Diving??

Being a crazzeee hedonistic type of dude

I frequently have to decide what and which activites to participate in which will give me the biggest buzz!!!

You might think this would be an easy option to choose but you would be wrong!!!

Pleasure the lady in your life or risk being put in hospital with a loose punch to the kidneys!!

Lets weigh up the pros and cons of both!!

Muff Diving

There's nothing like removing panties with you teeth

One of the most intimate things you can do with a lady

Her pleasure is your pleasure

All good!!! think again!!!

Remove her panties and she has a seventies muff which gets in your teeth and is like a brillo pad in your eyes result = blinded. You can only follow the smell of Grimsby Dock because she ain't washed and shes had a dump and you mistakingly slip and lick her batty hole!! choco pudding!!!

I used to like muff diving with the lady standing up as i knelt between her legs!(behemath) However, I realised too late that her pussy would act like a seal when she came!! I nearly suffocated and passed out!

Fishy face wash is never likely to challenge Body Shop Facial for sales!!

Extreme muff diving is now an Olympic Sport aka 2012!! checkout me in the picture practicing..unfortunately I did my back in and dropped my girlfriend on her head = silent treatment for weeks!!

Stage Diving(Crowd Surfing)

It's fun

When you are floating around on the top it's a fookin unreal buzz

When you get dragged down and you run back around into the crowd, your heart racing, endorphins pumping!! what a rush!!! boom boom!!! :-D

However - 

While you are floating it's common practice for the crowd underneath to

smack you in the knackers, face or just generally all over

I got proper twatted at a Carter USM gig a few years back and ended up in hospital pissing blood with an enlarged kidney..a month off work followed.

People sweat in the mosh pit and take their tops off!! Stop now you sweaty fooks!!

It's one thing to sweat with a T-shirt on but don't touch flesh..wrong on every level!! 

It can hurt when you don't float and people drop you!! Mmmm

Here is some footage of me Crowd Surfing @ a Maccabees gig!!

Loved it!! :-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ukx6rQG1M1o

Here is some footage of me Muff Diving!!

The Tongue Tornado!! Loved it!! :-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0zPetYbTmo

 Both are pleasurable but both have their risks!!!

Thats the fun and thats why I love doing them both!!! :-D

Private Eye or Spy???

Private Eye or Spy???

Of late I have been thinking of a career change!!!

I thought what skills have I got that I could transfer to another career??

I like to hide around street corners, stalk my girlfriends-victims, search through drawers for underwear-evidence, take pictures when people aren't looking, sit around for hours doing nothing but watching films,I like to eat cake, I like to drive my car in high speed pursuits through cardboard boxes, I like big hair-all over!! I like to wear sunglasses at night(twat) I like to womanise(they don't) I like to drink - especially cocktails called Porn Star Martinis...Light bulb moment!!

I could be a Private Eye or as I like to call it a 'Private Dick' a bit seventies but I think that being in the police etc...looked a lot more fun in the seventies..eg. The Sweeney and Life on Mars. Or, alternatively I could be a spy..like a posh version of a Private Eye with a gun and access to hotter women who will seduce me and then try and kill me with their thighs!! Mmmm!!!

Time to weigh up the advantages and dis-advantages of both!

If I was a Private Eye I could be as cool as Humphrey Bogart, I'd put right wrong doings, save the day and win the girl!! REALITY - I'd look like a seventies porn star, I'd solve fook all, I'd put loads of weight on from sitting around doing fook all and eating fast food. I would become an alcoholic and get some sort of STD from sleeping with hookers to pass the time.

If I was a spy like James Bond or Sean Connery who is a spy in real life (FACT) I would look the bollox in my suits, Have a cool car, lots of crazy gadgets to impress my friends, save the world from some crazy guy covered in gold or with three nipples!! Get the hottest girls who would seduce me in order to kill me but instead would fall in love with me because of my prowess in bed..REALITY - if I was a spy for Great Britain it would be more like Spies Like Us. I would have the shittiest equipment that wouldn't work when I needed it too, Suits from Burtons, drive a Reliant Robin, get sent to some half baked country which ended in STAN...where I would lose my life to a ladyboy who would smother me with his/her knub....

Conclusion - All that glitters is not Gold...ask Gary!!! :-( 
I quite like my job anyway...unlesss.... :-D

Top Album of the Noughties!!

I was going to go through the top 30 albums but I thought that would be pointless!!
The Interpol Album...Turn on The Bright Lights
What can I say!!!
Saw them for the first time in 2003 on the NME tour in Liverpool!!
Instantly loved them..their sound..their image!! They were only the second band on out of four.
Anyway..the album is dark, vibrant, and ultimately a compelling listen.
Released in 2002, it will still be listened too for many years.,which is the test of a classic album.
Recently introduced Interpol to a good friend of mine..Yep, It still sounds fookin great!!
Seen them 7 times now!!
I actually went to see them in Tokyo...met them..That's a story for another blog post... :-D

Stella was a Diver -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtigpB7q2LI

Obstacle 1-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkBAUqp6NKg&NR=1

This album should be in everyones collection..
Can't wait for the new album this year!!!!

Mad March

Mad March

Funky February has ended but Mad March has begun!!!

I shall be reflecting on the gigs and stuff I did in February over the next week or so!!

Lots of exciting things have happened in the last month!!

Lots of crazy stuff also!!!

Been far too busy at work, hence lack of blogging!!

The Soft Pack @ The Bodega Social

The last gig of Funky Feb - Great Gig!!

You gotta Answer to Yourself :-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AnFd9d1rJE

Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Hi Dr G - I have a really strange problem which I have absolutely no explanation for!!

About a month ago I woke up and I had become Boris Becker?

The unfortunate side effect of this is that I continually grunt and dive on the floor at every opportunity..whether or not I'm saving a set point. I don't even play tennis?

I have started to speak in ridiculous robotic English/German! I have never even been to Germany?

I have even started to listen to Eighties music and like David Hasselhoff??

Even my diet is affected..I now only eat stinky sausages

The clothes I wear.. I want to wear leather lederhosen?##!

I think the condition is getting worse as I have started to want to have knee tremblers in broom cupboards and wanting anal with Sue Barker!

Please help..I am desperate..I can't listen to the 'Hoff' anymore and I think my wife will leave me soon :-(

Well Boris (sorry couldn't help myself!) this is not as uncommon as you think!

This condition is known as Depersonalisation or DPD

My advice is go with the flow...do as Boris did!

Start to play tennis and become a Playboy.

Turn to alcohol, drugs and a bit of tax evasion.

It will be fun and your wife will leave you - (win and win)

Eventually you will meet yourself in the future (or prison) and

 you will turn back into your old self! (fact)

Let's face it, you have been pretty lucky with your choice.

You could have been serial killer Patrick Bateman a classic DPD patient.

Imagine how much fun that would be!!

Tokyo Police Club - Elephant Shell ( Number 30)

This is the single that I fell in love with!!!
'You don't need to change the future is ours'
Another great night in the Social watching these!!! :-D
Now upto a Top 30 and just thought of another album...shit!!

Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf (number 27)

Not really a great ROCK fan but this album just makes you want to play geeetar!!!
Picked this one as it reminds me of when I saw them at the V Festival in 2003.
Nick Oliveri was naked but for his beard!!
The start reminds me of the Dead Kennedy's!!
Playing Air Geeetar as I listen in the office!! ;-D

Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours (Number 28)

Cut Copy - Australian band
Saw these @ The Loop Festival in Brighton in 2008
This track is called Lights and Music
This album is full of tracks that make you want to Dance off With your Pants Off!!!
Lights and Music are on my mind.
A perfect Friday afternoon tune to get you in the mood for Friday night!!!

Toilet SnOrkELLiNg - iT cOuLd SaVe YouR LiFe

You may think this might be a dangerous thing to do?

A last resort?

Think again fool!!

Toilet Snorkelling may save your life!!

When, you ask?

When your house is on fire!

This guy is using the new breath easy, Toilet Snorkel, formulated to provide a fresh air source during fires.

In most fires, it's the smoke that will get you, and a source of fresh air can be a life saver. So I have invented  a way to snake a snorkel through the zigs and zags of your toilet, so you can breath sewer air instead of smoke. Winner!!

Always remember it's better to eat shit than be dead!!

Duncan Bannatyne loved it and he's full of shit..but ALIVE

dRiNk WhiLe UriNatiNg - G-Lab

Duration: 1 - 2 minutes

Props: Toilet and glass of water

Effect: Wide open

For hundreds of thousands of years the vast majority of humans have lived and died without trying the following experiment. It is, however, both extremely straight forward and extremely interesting.
Like everyone else, you urinate. At other moments you drink. What you do not know is what it feels like to do both at the same time. This experiment will show you.
Have a large glass of water to hand. When you begin to urinate, start drinking. As far as possible, you should try to drink the water straight down, without pausing. You will feel quite bizarre sensations almost immediately. The water you evacuate seems to be synchronised with that entering your mouth. You will then visualize, and above all feel, your body to be organised in a way which until then you had never imagined possible. The water you are drinking seems to exit directly from your bladder. In a few seconds you will feel directly wired, from the throat to urethra, from stomach to bladder - a physiology that is impossible but which you intuit, directly and unquestionably, to be real. Like a cosmic flux!!
This experiment is likely to procure ever new sensations and surprises with each try!!!
What are you waiting for????
More experiments from the G-Lab....Pushing Boundaries Nowhere

Dr G - Send me Your Problems!!!

Hi Dr G...My name is Alan Dong (obviously that is not my real name) and I have a little problem!

I have been feeling a little itchy and scratchy lately around my 'love region' shall we call it. Anyway, I am worried that I might have Chlamydia. I looked at the symtoms but I feel and piss like that after a night on the town when I've drunk 15 pints of Stella,10 flaming Sambucca's and shagged a munter bareback!!

•a white/cloudy or watery discharge from the penis,

•burning and itching in the genital area,

•pain when passing urine, or

•painful swelling of the testicles.

I keep seeing these adverts on buses saying that there is free Clamydia testing for under 25's! However, I am 39 and a half and therefore wouldn't qualify for free testing!! I think it is an outrage and 'ageist' not too allow us old pervs free tests as well!! Do the government think we stop having sex after the age of 25? What do you advise Dr G? I can't sleep at night for worrying!! :-(

Dr G - Well Alan, (I hope it's not your real name) I have thought about this long and hard! For all of 2 minutes..The solution is far easier than you might think and potentially pleasurable!! All you need to do is shag someone under 25 and send her to the 'Clap Clinic' It will be free, fun and she will have all the embarrassment of going to the clinic..The slag!!! If she is clean you are clean...result! Win, win and win!

Hope this will enable you to sleep better at night :-)

AnThOny anD tHe JoHnSons - I am A biRd NoW (number 29)

This guy has the most exquisite voice...I would love to see/hear him live.
I love to listen to this album on a hungover Saturday or Sunday morning.
Everything is quiet and you just hear his beautiful voice...makes you feel alive again!

mY Top 30 aLbums Of the Noughties :-D

1. Interpol - Turn on the Bright Lights

2. Radiohead - In Rainbows

3. The Killers - Hot Fuss

4. Strokes - Is this it

5. Artic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's what I'm Not

6. LCD Soundsystem - Sound Of Silver

7. Kasabian - Kasabian

8. The Libertines - Up the Bracket

9. Babyshambles - Down in the Albion
10. White Stripes - Elephant

11. Maps - We Can Create

12. The Streets - Original Pirate Material

13. Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future

14. Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

15. Peter, Bjorn and John - Writer's Block

16. Art Brut - Bang Bang Rock n Roll

17. The Horrors - Primary Colours

18. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

19. The Maccabees - Wall of Arms

20. The XX - The XX
21. Gorillaz - Gorillaz
22. Maximo Park - A Certain Trigger
23. The Cribs - Mens Needs, Womens Needs, Whatever

24. Wild Beasts - Two Dancers
25. Hard Fi - Stars of CCTV
26. Noah and the Whale - The First Days of Spring
27. Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf
28. Cut Copy - In Ghost Colours
29. Anthony and the Johnsons - I am a Bird Now
30. Tokyo Police Club - Elephant Shell

These albums are my favourites of the last 10 years for lots of different reasons...

They might not all be critically acclaimed but I love each one.
I could probably add another 20 to this list but..

I think I will say why I like each one on a weekly basis..
I have seen 26 out of the 30 bands concerned..
Starting with Anthony and the Johnsons :-D

PrAcTiCaL DiReCtiNg SkiLLs cOUrSe

MuM and Dad Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rihTVF8HyoM

PRACTICAL

DIRECTING SKILLS

STEVEN SHEIL

This popular course returns, led by

filmmaker Steven Sheil, teaching a

hands-on approach to directing drama

for camera.

Steven Sheil released his terrifying

feature debut Mum and Dad in

2008 and is co-director of

Broadway’s Mayhem Horror Film

Festival.

Course starts tonight!! Can't wait!!

First saw this film last Christmas..

How shall I phrase it..it was an alternative Christmas last year!!

Should be fun having the guy who directed this as a tutor!! :-D

Oliver Reed

Reed’s views on the subject of death were relatively well documented (and before he died he arranged to have £10,000 out of his estate spent at his local pub, but only for “those who are crying”). Discussing potential body-disposal methods, Reed refuted the deep-freeze method adopted by those such as “rich Americans like Walt Disney”.


Also slated was the idea of him being laid out for days in his Sunday best in order to “have people gawping at me to see what a dead hellraiser looks like”, as was cremation, as was burial due to his disgust at “maggots having a ball crawling up my nose and out of my mouth”, and burial at sea: “Who wants to be gobbled up by a big fish and become excrement that is swallowed up by a prawn… ending up as mayonnaise, being nibbled at by a pretty girl… I don’t want to be permanent shit.’”

Reed’s ideal form of post-life disposal? “I would much rather end up a fertiliser under a sunflower which is eventually made into sunflower seed oil so that instead of nibbling me in her prawn cocktail, the pretty girl will rub me on her bristols as she suns herself on a beach in the Caribbean”.
 
I could make lots of comments but ultimately it's not a bad ethos!! Or is it???
I love to party but we only have one body and that soon tires of constant abuse!!
I find characters like Oliver Reed fascinating..I think it is because they are so talented and yet self destruct or is that why they self destruct? Mmmmm interesting.... :-D

CeLebRity SuiCide

Derek and Clive - Legendary Fellows with the foresight to have seen the future of shit TV known as Celebrity Big Brother!!! Give me Celebrity Suicide anytime...

Derek and Clive - Celebrity Suicide

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQsGBgDRNuM

What a pair of c##ts!!!

New Year Resolutions

Aha!! New Year's Resolutions!

1. Write more - Blogs/scripts/poetry etc..

2. Read more - books I keep buying and not reading

3. Complete a Film Project

4. Travel to 3 new countries

5. Do some voluntary work

6. Get fitter not fatter!! eek!!

7. Work Hard...Party Harder (more gigs)

8. Get Divorced..properly

9. Sort my career out...one way or another!!
10. Organise another gig for LMHR


Make 2010 a year to remember!!

I think that is more than enough to be going on with! :-Dx